As the UK’s pioneering Divorce Doula, I’ve witnessed a growing trend amongst couples who find themselves in a unique state of relationship limbo – not quite married, yet not quite divorced. This phenomenon, which is being referred to as ‘mid-vorcing,’ represents a nuanced approach to separation where divorce is not an immediate option. I contributed to an article in The Telegraph news about this.
‘In the UK, 42 per cent of marriages end in divorce, with over 113,000 divorces taking place in a year – or 13 every hour.
But all that could be about to change, according to research by Legal & General, which has found that almost a fifth of couples are delaying their divorce – simply because of the cost.
‘Financial pressures have postponed more than 270,000 divorces, leaving British couples in mid-vorce’ says Sarah Rainey, The Telegraph. Let me share some insights and stories to illuminate this path.
A Dual Existence Under One Roof
In South Asian communities and in many other culturally diverse communities, it’s not unusual to see couples leading ‘separate’ lives within the same household. Driven by layers of cultural complexities, financial concerns, and a desire to uphold family honour, these couples present a united front to the world while living distinctly separate lives at home. The emotional and financial implications of divorce, particularly amidst the current cost of living crisis, have led many to adopt this approach as a practical solution.
Financial Pragmatism Over Emotional Strain
Consider the case of one of my clients, where financial implications and the well-being of children have led to a decision to cohabit while living separate lives. This includes separate holidays, social groups, and limited interaction on family occasions. The emotional toll is significant, yet the focus remains on carving out a thriving existence within a challenging environment.
Returning to Roots for Co-parenting
Another client found practicality in returning to their parents’ homes for co-parenting support. This decision, especially with young children, reduces the stresses of single parenting. The children benefit from closer relationships with grandparents, and the parents enjoy a less stressful environment.
Long-Term Separation Without Formal Divorce
A client from the leafy suburbs, financially independent with grown children, has been separated for nearly a decade, with her husband living abroad. Despite the practicality of divorce, she hesitates due to the emotional and logistical complexities. Besides, ‘why bother rocking the apple cart when neither of us have the desire to marry again?’ This story is increasingly common, reflecting a balance between independence and the challenges of officially dissolving a marriage.
Delaying Divorce Amidst Life’s Challenges
The onset of COVID-19 saw another client in her 50s navigating separation in a standstill. The financial ramifications of a formal split, coupled with the cost of living crisis, prompted a pause in the divorce process. This couple has chosen to focus on amicable co-parenting and financial stability, viewing this delay not as a permanent solution but a necessary adaptation.
Seven Tips for ‘Mid-vorcing’ Couples
- Open Communication: Engage in honest, clear communication about feelings, needs, and concerns.
- Set Boundaries: Establish and respect emotional, physical, and financial boundaries.
- Focus on Co-Parenting: Prioritise children’s well-being and maintain a stable, loving environment.
- Financial Transparency: Be open about financial matters and agree on handling expenses and debts.
- Self-Care: Engage in activities that support your mental and emotional health.
- Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek professional help, such as counselling or a divorce doula.
- Respect and Kindness: Maintain civility and kindness in interactions.
Conclusion
‘Mid-vorcing’ requires patience, understanding, and flexibility. It’s about finding what works for your unique situation, even if it deviates from the norm. As a divorce doula, my role is to support and guide clients through this complex phase, helping them navigate their path with confidence and clarity.
*You can read the full Telegraph article here.
Discover more about my journey as a Divorce Doula and how I can support you through this process at www.mydivorcedoula.org.uk. Or why not email me directly at farhana@mydivorcedoula.org.uk. I’d love to hear from you, what you think about ‘mid-vorcing or simply to connect and share whats going on for you right now.